Truth 1: It is impossible to keep your cool.
Turning 21, yay! cue existentialist issues - the meaninglessness of existence, the pointless marking of time and the realisation that only an infinitesimal fraction of the human population which represents and even smaller speck of dust on the back of a flea in the vastness that is the universe cares that you were born today. Dark thoughts to wake up to, but that was why man invented beer. That of course is some people’s opinion. Take beer goggles for example, At the bottom of the fifth shot glass of tequila, you really begin to see the image of God in your fellow man. That 2 you wouldn’t touch with a tractor beam all of a sudden becomes the love of your night. Add in the sudden jollity and copious amount of speech, courage and suavity and I dare any man to refute this statement: The road to hell may be paved with good intentions, but standing on a stack of Jack and Johnny bottles elevates us to knock on heaven’s door.
Yes, so much to do. Party Mode - scratch that.. Party setting mode. Two very different things there. The second lacks the gaiety of the first. The sheer amount of frustrations and annoyances which can crop up is astounding. It’s like throwing a party is universe-speak for “introduce me to Murphy’s law”. Things go wrong and not in the cute laughable sitcom ways. Here are 13 rules to keep:
- Never, ever rely on PHCN, they will fail, it says so in the manual.
- Never do beer runs hungry or sober, that is just sad and dehumanizing.
- 40% of the people who RSVP will not show up… and they will be the girls. This is the perfect time to subject you to cruel and inhuman begging practices, don’t drag it ..they simply cannot hide their nature.
- The amount of uninvited guys at a party always increases until the stable-state entropy threshold is reached, then one of two things happen : a sausage-fest or a fight. The best parties are kept secret.
- Even the sworn abstainer will drink kegfuls with the right music.. if you think you don’t have enough, buy. If you think you do, buy more.
- Your music is not loud enough until people cannot hear each other speak. Then they resort to more natural forms of communication. Tactile conversations under alcohol influence probably resulted in the creation of 2 in 7 humans.
- A little weed keeps boys happy. Allowing a vent for their bad guy delusions makes them calmer and less likely to start fights and harass girls.
- It is your role as host to be both concierge and brothel madam. Accidents of the 9 month later kind are not funny, provide protection.
- Absolutely no pictures, that lap dance or keg stand could be what stand between someone and a governorship post someday.
- Girls at rest tend to remain so until set in motion. You will to seed the mixture need a few friends of the questionable morals variety to set things going.
- Make sleeping arrangements for overnight guests. Nothing is more awkward than playing room roulette with six tired girls at 3 am.
- Make allowances for set P. If she decides to go home with him, make sure she isn’t too drunk to decide and he’s a gentleman.
- An after party snack will be required. Only winshes and ogbanje sell food at 3 am, plan accordingly.
- Being host means giving up your resources to enable friends to set P. Provide what ever is required no questions asked. It’s in the bro code.
All in all was fun. Walk of shame at 6:30 included. Off to bed now, have the mother and father of hangovers. Redd out..